Ontario High School

Satire: Archeologist discovers new gender, political turmoil results

Russian archaeologist Javier R. Becerra recently stumbled upon a shocking discovery while searching for dinosaur fossils; he had discovered an entirely new gender. The discovery is opening up a new view of the universe. Until now we have only been able to see 87 genders in the gender spectrum.

The remains of the gender were excavated from the frigid tundra of northern Siberia. Many archeologists are baffled as to how it migrated there and how it managed to survive for so long.

“Usually, gender populations persist for only about half a million years or so. This specimen obviously adapted to the cold over a period of several million years,” Becerra commented in a press conference.

“It’s truly amazing,” a colleague added. “This will change our view on the gender spectrum forever. At least until a new one is discovered in a few weeks.”

The newly-found gender is said to be possessed by those who have a tendency for being obnoxious and thinking they’re important. The gender will be temporarily known as “BLTrans.” Those who identify under this gender are said to be sexually attracted to sandwiches, and sometimes identify as sandwiches themselves.

Republican Wilton Theodore stated, in tears, “how am I supposed to deal with all these genders? How am I going to tell my kids about this? Are sandwiches going to be able to vote too? It’s bad enough the last two groups were enabled to vote,” as he placed his Christmas decorations just in time for the holiday six months away.

Unable to deal with his identity crisis, Theodore soon announced–in front of a Congress session–that he identifies as BLTrans.

Outraged with his proclamation, Congress later passed a law that limits the amount of genders to only one; those who identify under a different gender other than cisgender will be taxed 99 percent of their income. Congress then ratified the 28th Amendment which repealed the suffrage of those who do not identify as cisgender.

“We believe,” the proposition reads, “that in order to maintain the integrity of the American people, actions must be taken to limit the amount of genders under which we allow people to identify. No more shall this nonsense persist in the minds of the American people. This decision has been found to be in the best interests of the people and more importantly, the government.”

The liberal party was unfazed by congress’ actions. Leader of the party, Nigel Onley, stated “the law and amendment only support our cause; congress failed to realize that these ordinances only make us equal. I’m surprised we didn’t come up with that legislation ourselves.”

Throughout the interview, Onley continued to scream the word “EQUAL” repeatedly into the ears of anybody who passed by. Onley reported that the liberal party is planning to protest the lack of public restrooms for sandwiches in the United States of America.

But the turmoil doesn’t stop there. When a live broadcast of Taylor Swift eating a succulent BLT was seen on news footage, enormous protests erupted in university campuses nationwide.

“She’s being so gendercist, and inconsiderate of us BLTrans,” one livid protester tweeted. “I absolutely cannot stand when they think they can take our culture.”

The protests continue to grow across the country, and there is no end to political and social unrest.

5 Comments

  • Reply Joanne Schirmer May 6, 2017 at 7:05 am

    bwahahahaha

    Like

  • Reply Katrina Ford May 6, 2017 at 8:08 am

    Thanks for contrubuting to the world of fake news!

    Like

    • Reply Steve Schoner May 6, 2017 at 5:15 pm

      Sadly the whole notion of gender identity “is what ever one thinks it is” is NOT fake news. This article makes fun of that idiotic notion that is sweeping our fallen society today. Just because one’s damaged thinking says other than what their body is, does not change their gender. It is a serious problem now, and though this article is so called “Fake News”, the fact is that there are some mentally ill people that believe such things.

      Like

  • Reply Chuck Beary May 6, 2017 at 10:40 am

    Do you get fries with that order?

    Like

  • Reply Steve Schoner May 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

    Three genders I scientifically know of: Male; Female; and Hermaphrodite. If dropping one’s pants is not a clue, a scientific test of one’s genes will reveal which of the three if not apparent to one’s eyes outright. As for all those that think their gender is what their brain think it is, other than what is obvious, they need to see a psychiatrist. Anyone that thinks they are other than the three known genders are mentally ill.

    Like

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