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Temple City High School

Column: Check yourself

When it comes to relationships, I’ve never been off the market, and I probably won’t be for a while. I do consider myself relatively poppin’—everyone who disagrees can get their eyes checked—but I have what most people call high standards, or, in my terms, bare necessities.

However, I’ve gotten thirsty. Desperate times like these usually call for settling for people who miss the mark, but my friend led me to the light at the end of this needy tunnel. She introduced me to the ice cream sunBAE model, the ultimate guide to checking yo’self—and your dream partner in crime.

This isn’t an ice cream diet (although I’ve found that to also be effective for treating loneliness), but a chart using the different parts of a sundae to mark features you value in a partner: from what you need the most to the little bonuses.

The model is an ice cream cone with three scoops, fudge and a cherry on top. My bottom scoop doesn’t need much explanation: I want to date someone who shares my morals. The middle scoop is that he must be diligent, because someone will be needing to pay the bills when I’m struggling to make ends meet as a journalist! In all seriousness, I need someone who is willing to work hard to maintain a steady relationship in which we don’t leave each other in the seen zone (#priorities). The top scoop is having a sense of humor—I cannot show my bae a meme to have him ignore it.

Following the scoops come the extras. For the fudge, it would be to have an artistic or intellectual hobby. This adds at least ten extra cute points and lets me know this person has aspirations. The cherry on top would be for this guy to naturally smile every time he sees me, because we’ll share something in common: loving me.

Jokes aside, I haven’t confidently put checkmarks on every part of my sundae. The chart may sound like a formal version of Tinder, but it’s ultimately just a way for me to ensure I’m not letting someone damaging into my life. I may be only 17, but there are matters in every stage of life that are much more rewarding than marking my territory on someone I really couldn’t care less about.

1 Comment

  • Reply Bobby Filet November 7, 2016 at 5:26 pm

    WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ARTICLE? HOW DID THIS EVEN GET PUBLISHED? I really hope this is all some kind of joke and just a satirical article because this is just sad if it’s not.

    Like

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