Op-Ed: The World is Ending… Wait, What?

Due to earthquakes, climate change, tornadoes, and hurricanes, we have come to believe that the world is ending and yet CHAMPS’ students have no reason to care.

With the situations we are currently facing, 2017 has been the most scandalous year since Bill Clinton. We all the know world is ending, but surprisingly enough it does not have anything to do with our recent presidential election.

As Chaka Khan once sang with a groovy voice, “tell me something good.”

Well, wake up, America because that is not happening anytime soon.

Just in case you were not aware, both Kylie Jenner and Khloe Kardashian have both recently had babies, but their future mass producing companies are not what is causing climate change.

This might be hard to hear but you, yes, you are the reason why Los Angeles will be underwater in less than a decade. Oh, and Hurricane Harvey, yeah, that was you too. Do not even get me started with Irma, that was just mother nature telling you that using your air conditioner all summer long will cause more than just power outages.

Throwing your trash on the floor not only kills sea turtles but also adds to the “Great CHAMPS Garbage Spills,” giant piles of garbage that travel through the stairs onto the hallways, lunch areas and dance halls. Not only are you killing animals, but you are making it harder for our awesome friends who try their best to keep our campus clean.

Oh and another thing, you fashionistas who shop at retail stores, good luck. Every item made from cheap labor abroad is contributing to low wages and ecological unsustainability. The mass production of clothes is a huge contributor to global warming with its toxic dyes and use of natural resources.

You are most definitely killing our planet and will be held accountable. Better start asking for forgiveness, because girl, you have a long list.

In other words, CHAMPS students see themselves as environmentalists. They believe “thrifting is life, you reuse a person’s dirty clothes and call it vintage.”

An employee at Valley Thrift commented on this topic by saying, “yeah groups of dirty kids who call themselves angsty teens come in here every week looking for dad jeans, crop tops, and oversized denim.”

Other students have tried to save the planet through a different approach, “yeah dude I use all the greens. I use them in brownies, candies, and just natural dude. Stay green, stay clean.”

The fact that the world is ending has not hit our CHAMPS students yet. Their rigorous courses have not given them time to comprehend that they will be rejected by every Ivy League school, even Cornell. They have chosen to stay on top of every puff, every journal entry, every 818 valley party, every single one of their AP classes, and yet have no idea the world is ending. Yikes.

When asked about the world ending, former Student Council Vice President, Steven Wasserman stated, “The world can end after I graduate from Harvard top of my class, I have not worked at Sylvan and paid forty-eight dollars for a Key Club membership in order to have the world end on me. Oh and Key Club is still accepting applications if you want to join, you just have to sign your soul away.”

When overheard by freshman Lizette Alvarez, she responded by screaming, “I’m going to shield my cats with my body, I don’t care if I fall through the cracks of hell! MY CATS WILL RULE THE WORLD IN THE AFTERLIFE!”

In these harsh times we look to Chris Amato, brother of former president Sam Amato, for a few words of wisdom and what we got was truly inspiring, “Wait what’s climate change?”

In these dark times, we hope for the best. We hope that one day our society will have a leader who understands the power of global warming. In their next life, CHAMPS students will be able to understand the value of a fact vs an AP exam. May the odds be ever in your favor.

XOXO,

Climate Change