The past year has been a wild ride for the LGBTQ+ community. From the Supreme Court’s ruling to legalize gay marriage nationally, to the widespread revolution on Transgender Rights, we have come a long, long way. However, despite all these accomplishments, the general populous of America still has a long, long way to go in terms of social stigma and equality.
I came out in 6th grade. Thankfully, due to most of California’s progressive and liberal nature, I didn’t have a hard time coming to terms with myself or garnering support from the people around me. However, it was still difficult. I went to an orthodox Jewish, all boys middle school, where most people were either too sheltered or too ignorant to understand what it means to be a gay man, and I got teased and questioned a lot throughout those years. People would ask me derogatory questions regarding my sexuality, often explicit, and were aggressive about picking out and/or forcing me into different stereotypes associated with the gay man. Luckily, I’m a tough guy (or so I’d like to think), and I made it through. But even when I transferred into a very much more accepting and progressive school, the stigma, to a certain extent, still existed.
The gay man’s sexual liberation and equal rights movement was one that was rooted in a radical acceptance of femininity and went hand in hand with the feminist movement. The reason, specifically, that gay men were ostracized in society is because in such a testosterone fueled society, neither men or women wanted to accept what seemed to go completely against the “normal” population. It wasn’t as much about men being involved sexually with other men, it was about how it manifested into the idea that a man, whose purpose in a patriarchal society was essentially to conform to masculine ideals brought on by the same society, was unable to be feminine, or express feminine ideas. He was thought as weak, which was scary. People thought that men who dressed differently, spoke in a different tongue and expressed vehemently the characteristic traits so closely associated with women were a threat, and something to be feared. Gay men were “scary,” and because of the way they were so blatantly expressing their feminine qualities, they became a marginalized group. We were forced to band together because unlike gay women, who were stereotyped to express a more masculine identity, we were a threat to men because they feared us. We were men who proudly embraced womanly qualities in a society that internally detests woman. Furthermore, in the ’80s, we became an even more separate group as the AIDS epidemic came to an all-time high, and people began so closely associating the virus and heroin use with the gay population. We were known as promiscuous drug users who were peddling disease that would infect the American populous, becoming a “real threat to America.” In reality, we didn’t have the education to know that gay men have a higher risk of contracting HIV due to anal sex, and when the rest of the heterosexual world isn’t really wearing condoms, why would we be wearing them either? Thus, we became a marginalized group and started setting up shop in places like the Castro or West Hollywood or Boystown, forming communities in which we felt safe, inner circles where people couldn’t disrupt us.
Even now, in this day and age, although we have come so far in terms of acceptance and civil liberties and rights, there are still stigmas and stereotypes so closely associated to the gay man, partly due to a lack of realistic representation in the mainstream media. Gay men, as portrayed in media, are split into two subdivisions: either you’re the cute, bitchy, flamboyant gay BFF (or “GBF,” the stereotypical Gay Best Friend) who just loves shopping and glitter, or you’re the well-educated, lawyer-type, clean-cut gay man who has a superiority complex. The characters are static with absolutely no depth in their personality (not all of us are slender, white gay men); there is essentially no middle ground, and that is incredibly harmful to progression in the community. When all you see are two “types” of gay men, you, as a gay man, feel that you must conform to these specific stereotypes, changing and masking your identity in order to be accepted by not only the gay, but by the hetero community as well. Gay men feel such a need to fit the mold that is presented in the media, that you essentially lose your personality, and begin to be seen a materialization of a sexuality, rather than a human being – and this is not how it should be. We are NOT a novelty. Furthermore, there is a scarce amount of representation for any gay man of color, leading to the men in these specific communities, whose cultures very much put down the gay man, becoming even more separated from their sexual identity. As a gay person of color, you are frowned upon in the media, you are not seen as an equal, even though your struggle is just as important, if not even more. Simply put, when you don’t see an accurate representation of yourself, when you don’t see a gay man simply playing a man, you feel like you must radicalize yourself in your sexuality, that you are nothing but your sexuality, that you are no longer a man, but a creature who is simply known as gay. Thus, many celebrities or people of notoriety don’t feel like they want to come out, even with many rumors affirming that they are gay because they want to be known for their accomplishments, not their sexual orientation.
Moreover, the gay community in itself deals with a lot of segregation. One of the other reasons we started separating each other into smaller communities, aside to the fact that we were being segregated in overall society, was because as a gay man in those times, it was difficult to find another gay man to be intimate with, or to have sex with, thus, beginning the sexualized culture so prevalent in the gay community. Cruising, bath houses, etc. created a lifestyle of casual, unsafe-sex, leading to the HIV and STI uprising. Also, the sexualization of the gay man led to subcategories in the community, characterizations such as “bear,” “twink,” “otter,” “femme,” “masculine,” and more. In addition, with revolutionizing hook-up apps such as Grindr, we have succeeded in even further dividing ourselves in these groups, making it even harder to form actual relationships or friendships, as we are so fixated on getting off. In addition, gay men have an intense fixation on the image of a younger, slender, hairless man, a twink, and if you open up almost any gay magazine such as “Out,” most men either on the cover or in spreads are essentially the same: twinks who look like they just hit the age of 18, hairless chest out, either scrawny or buff, barely covered. That’s alright or whatever, but it reaches a certain extent where this young, boyish image becomes fetishized, and then you see a host of older men beginning to prey on younger men, specifically those that fit this image, beginning a cycle where the gay community normalizes pedophiliac behavior. Younger men get taken advantage of, especially when they first come out because they feel the need to affirm their sexual liberation and freedom, and it is simply not okay that we accept that as a casual happening.
As a community, we need to acknowledge the faults in our culture and cannot continue to just ignore what’s wrong just because we’ve gotten so far in our rights. We still do things wrong, and we should still try to fix the wrongs.
Anyways, I’m beginning to point out a lot of different thoughts that have been ravaging my brain recently, and I think I’m starting to lose the center argument of this piece. What I’m trying to say is, don’t say you’re an ally and that you accept me or my brothers, then proceed to ask if I can be your “GBF” and go shopping with you. Don’t tell me that the things I’m doing, that my actions or my words or the way I deal with thing is because of my sexuality. Don’t patronize me and condescend me and say “Oh, it’s because you’re gay isn’t it?”
I am not your novelty toy. I am not something for you to use when you need it, I am not something for you to use to rationalize your internal homophobia or to prove that you’re “a progressive, and accepting individual.” Don’t see me for my sexuality, acknowledge that I have had a struggle and that it is something that is a part of me, but it does not define in any way who I am as a person. I am a gay man, but I am not the gay man. I am a person who is attracted to the same gender, but that’s it, no more, no less, and understand that when you stereotype me and my brothers and act like an ally, you are only hurting our progression. We are people with ideas, thoughts, emotions, and capabilities; some of us are good, and some of us are bad; we are complex individuals just like you and the rest of the world. We are people. We are not a sexuality.
16 Comments
When some of us point out the health risks associated with homosexual behavior it is not because we are “haters” or “full of animus”. If we truly hated gay people we would be encouraging them to continue engaging in death dealing behavior instead of encouraging them to stop. Thousands of men have died of AIDS because of the type of sexual activity they engaged in, not because we have been telling them not to. We do not rejoice in the death of these men. On the contrary, we wish they were still here sharing their gifts with us.
Of course it is animus. You have posted thousands of comments disparaging gays, and gay families. I wish you had actually read the text of this well thought out and heartfelt opinion. It is condescension plain and simple to think you need to inform gay people about HIV. It is gay people who have informed you. I suspect this young person knows far more accurately the facts about HIV than you do.
“Of course it is animus.”
How is encouraging people to avoid death dealing behavior “animus”?
“It is condescension plain and simple to think you need to inform gay people about HIV.”
It’s a matter of telling people to stop engaging in death dealing behavior. Why are you seemingly upset by my encouraging people to make healthy choices?
You just proved what I said. To an highly intelligent essay written by an obviously thoughtful and knowledge young you presume to inform someone who obviously knows what it’s about far more than you do. Your feigned concern for health, is a one hell of nasty insult. How dare you presume tell this young person how to make choices. Look after your own chosen behavior of looking down your nose at gay people, especially, in this circumstance, where you are obviously far outclassed intellectually by the amazing young person
“Your feigned concern for health, is a one hell of nasty insult. How dare you presume tell this young person how to make choices.”
It’s getting pretty bad when encouraging people to avoid a dangerous behavior is classified as hate speech…
Either you did not bother to read the full comment wherein he addresses HIV in a very knowledgable and wise way, or you could not resist an opportunity to display your arrogance belief that you know something the young people don’t. Further proof is you had ZERO to say about any of the valid points he raised, because your pontification is the most important thing for you. Stop insulting people who know better than you do. You know very well your point was gay is bad and pretending you were just being compassionate is utter nonsense.
“or you could not resist an opportunity to display your arrogance belief that you know something the young people don’t.”
I don’t believe most people in or out of the LGBT community are ignorant of the fact that anal sex poses a greater risk to their health. Likewise, I don’t believe that most people who smoke cigarettes are ignorant of the fact that doing so increases the risk to their health. Since encouraging smokers to quit smoking is not hatred toward smokers, why do you seem to believe that encouraging people to quit another dangerous activity is?
“You know very well your point was gay is bad and pretending you were just being compassionate is utter nonsense.”
Apparently in your mind if someone agrees with you it is compassion and if they disagree with you it is hate. You don’t seem to have a concept that disagreement does not equal hatred. Your words above put your bigotry and prejudice toward anyone who disagrees with you on full display.
That’s it? From that whole essay, you’re only take away was your need to talk about anal sex? He addressed the issue and doesn’t need your pretense of being helpful. Your animus is on full display.
“From that whole essay, you’re only take away was your need to talk about anal sex?”
I don’t necessarily disagree with some of his points. However, since he did mention the AIDS epidemic, which poses a very real threat to the LGBT community, I merely suggest that there are ways of addressing that threat that are beneficial to that community. Curious that you want to turn something good (encouraging safer behavior) into something bad.
The fact is you focused your entire comment on anal sex. This is why it is right to keep non parental adults off school grounds. You did not attempt to agree nor disagree with any of his points, just anal sex, anal sex, anal sex, your obsession. The kid knows better than you do, so you just exploited another opportunity for painting gays in a negative light. Then you try to insult me by suggesting that it is I wanting to turn something good into something bad, whereas in fact you are the guilt one in that. The essay was good, but your focus on anal sex is filthy and disgusting. This kid asks not to be treated as an accessory to your lifestyle yet that is exactly what you have done. You owe him a apology free of weasel words.
“The fact is you focused your entire comment on anal sex.”
Specifically the health risks associated with it and the fact that deaths associated with it are both tragic and avoidable. Are you denying the presence of those risks? Do you think it is a good or a bad idea to avoid practices that pose serious health risks?
“The kid knows better than you do, so you just exploited another opportunity for painting gays in a negative light.”
Does “animus” toward gays equate to encouraging them to avoid something that is harmful? I have NOT said that gay people are bad because they engage in something unhealthy. I dare say every one of us does or has done things that are unhealthy. That doesn’t make us inherently bad people. HIV/AID S is one of Mr. Green’s talking points. He obviously thought it was important enough to address in his paper. It is arguably one of the most important issues facing the LGBT community.
“Then you try to insult me by suggesting that it is I wanting to turn something good into something bad, whereas in fact you are the guilt one in that.”
Then if encouraging safe behavior is not something bad, why is it upsetting to you when I do so?
“This kid asks not to be treated as an accessory to your lifestyle yet that is exactly what you have done. You owe him a apology free of weasel words.”
You want me to apologize for encouraging healthier choices? You want me to apologize for saying we are saddened by the death of gays and wish those who have died were still among us sharing their gifts with us?
Anal sex was your whole focus and intended to cast gay sexual activity in a negative way. There are at least 33 times more heterosexuals practicing anal sex than gays. In that whole article about a gay person coping with a changing world, you want to reduce gays to just sex, which is itself a hateful thing to do. The writer is a whole person with many concerns. Gays are about a lot more than just sex, same as straights.
I wish you could, as they say, “man up”, and admit you exploited this essay to make your usual anti-gay vitriol. Disgusting! Have you no shame?
You do owe this young person an apology. Stop hedging and dodging. You know you are wrong and are just trying to escape the glare of guilt.
Amazing that you would wonder why I see your behavior as animus driven.
“You do owe this young person an apology.”
I absolutely will not apologize for pointing out the hazards inherent with homosexual behavior—a risk so great that according to the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention, male smokers are 23 times more likely to develop lung cancer than male non-smokers, yet men who have sex with men are 50 times more likely to get HIV/AIDS. Further the CDC also published an analysis of gay men in 21 cities and discovered that not only did 1 in 5 have HIV, almost half of them didn’t even know it. When young people are being told they are free to choose a lifestyle, they are not being adequately informed of the inherent risks involved. While you like to tell us that “there are at least 33 times more heterosexuals practicing anal sex than gays”, CDC statistics do not bear that out. According to the CDC “Gay, bisexual, and other men who have sex with men (MSM) represent approximately 2% of the United States population, yet are the population most severely affected by HIV. In 2010, young gay and bisexual men (aged 13-24 years) accounted for 72% of new HIV infections among all persons aged 13 to 24.” http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/group/msm/index.html. I think men who have sex with men have a right to know.
No, I will not apologize for encouraging healthier practices. I will not apologize for expressing regret over the number of gay men who needlessly died prematurely and are no longer here to share their gifts with the rest of us. I mourn their loss.
Your essay covered a lot of ground, intelligently and with wisdom. I am of the generation that fought for decades for a better social environment for sexual minorities, so I feel some pride in helping create this world you grew up in. May you have a long and happy life.
This is a new low for you refusing to apologize. You arrogance is not compassion, Your knowledge of HIV is superficial. You are a disgrace to our generation. As I said, you had nothing to say about all the excellent points he made about gay people coming to terms with a world changing to accept them, and you focus on anal sex. I’ll have to take it upon myself to apologize for you.
Dear Adam and anyone else who may happen upon this thread of comments. Please understand that Kevin55 does not represent the majority of older people, just those caught up in old homophobic prejudices. Kevin has for years posted probably a thousand or more comments on LA Time discussion pages, in which he spoke against equal rights for gays and lesbians, railed against same sex marriage, and disparaged good parents for no other fact than they were of the same sex. I respect what the coming of age generation has to offer in insight. Please accept my apology for the wretches of my generation who will never accept you as you are.