(Patrick Semansky / Associated Press)
Fairmont Preparatory Academy

Satire: Internet celebrities and how to be one

There is one special type of people that live in this society. You know their faces, but you don’t know their names. You will never meet them, but they are everywhere: on your phone, your laptop, and social media platforms. You can’t take your eyes off them, they are like your best friends but they will never reply to your messages. We call this type of people “Internet Celebrities.”

It is the 21st century, and you don’t have to be a movie star or a singer to be famous. By the help of social media and the internet, everyone can be a star. The trick is to find your perfect category, the right platform, and your target audiences. 

If you have a nice looking face and hot looking body, Instagram and Snapchat would be good places for you. All you need to do are the following things: a phone to take pictures with, write inspirational quotes, and of course, money. To be this type of internet celebrity, you have to take a lot of pictures, you have to tell your whole life story using the camera lenses.

Remember, you have to be the person that everyone wants to be, if you are not, then fake it. Research done by the Modern Internet Research Committee shows that 95% of internet celebrities have drastically different personalities online compared with their real lives. This means no matter how hard your life is, you have to be the happiest and prettiest person on your posts; after all, that why people want to follow you.

After you have all the pictures, you need to show your support to everything. This part would be hard because you know nothing about society, but don’t worry, just Google some hot topics like feminism, world hunger issues, climate change, LGBTQ rights, then hashtag those topics when you post your pictures. Those topics are what we call “clickbait,” so people will actually assume you care about big issues.

Nice pictures and good attitude could be a good start for your Instagram career, but pictures will eventually get boring, that’s when you need to add inspirational sentences on your posts to bring attention. Well, you might think this is the hardest part because you have to actually write something that makes sense, but don’t worry, let me walk you through this.

Post a picture of your perfect body and caption “Don’t care what others think of you, everyone is beautiful”, but actually you will never date someone that’s less pretty than you. Or post a selfie and caption “Single is good, I’m independent! Go girl power!” but actually you dated several millionaires and you don’t have a job. You think that’s hypocritical and fake?

Trust me, people love hypocrites on the internet, you just have to build your character.

“How do I build my character?” you ask, easy! You just have to be loaded. If you don’t have a beach house, a helicopter, a Lamborghini and a tons of designer bags, this career is not for you. What people want to see online is the perfect lifestyle, AKA the rich people lifestyle, so don’t be afraid to show off your wealth. After you did all those things I said, I bet you already have millions of followers on Instagram. Just remember, be pretty, be fake, be rich, don’t think too much, people just want to see your body and money. 

Is your life pathetic? Are you poor and need a job to support yourself but no one wants to hire you? Did you drop out of high school when you were 16 and still live with your parents when you’re 22? Don’t worry! You don’t need education, I have the perfect job for you! Be a YouTuber!

Posting YouTube videos and earning millions of subscribers seem like a long path, but as long as you follow the correct process, you can go viral easily. First, you have to come up with a catchy and unique channel name. You can use your name if you are not creative enough, but remember, it has to be unique.

If your channel name is Lily, nobody will ever notice you, but if you change it to Liliac, then people will start to pay attention to you. If you want multi-million subscribers, one word is not enough, you have to include your personality, your interest, and your zodiac sign when you are creating your channel name, “LiliacTaurusCuteGuitarplayer” is an example of the perfect YouTube channel name.

After you created a channel, you have to post videos. I know you are freaking out right now because you actually have no creativity or skill to do anything, but it’s fine, steal content from the famous YouTubers to earn clicks. If you are a male YouTuber, do makeup challenges started by the beauty gurus on YouTube.

What did you say? You are straight and clumsy and can’t do makeup? Well, that’s the point! People love to watch a dumb boy trying to do makeup, you have you use your awkwardness to gain attention from YouTube even if it ruins your reputation among your friends and family.

This strategy works every time when you are a beginner at YouTube, but be careful, the same strategy doesn’t work when you are a female YouTuber. If you are a girl and you can’t do your makeup perfectly, people will hate you, literally.

Think it’s unfair? Don’t worry! Girls are born with a talent that boys can never have, and that is the ability to create drama. Just like those famous psychologists say, gossip and the urge to create drama is the 16th female instinct, it is proven true on the YouTube platform.

For girls, as long as you comment on the drama that’s happening between famous people, you are already one step in the game. Make more comments and create more drama, more people will subscribe to you because we just love to see how famous people rip each other’s heads off. If you follow my directions, I can ensure you will gain 10,000 subscribers in under three months.

Being a internet celebrity seems easy by far, but if you actually have real talent, unfortunately this career is not for you. For those of you that have dreams and talents and good grades, spend your stupid boring life in college and live your life to the fullest! The internet doesn’t need people like you.

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