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La Cañada High School

Satire: How to survive a horror movie

Halloween is coming, and that means horror movies are, too. So many movies, yet so little time. Based on the horror movies that I have seen in my life, there are a few simple things you need to do if you want to survive a horror movie.

Number one: Do not, under any circumstances, go into an old, haunted, abandoned house. These houses are abandoned for a reason. Even if your friends dare you to or call you a scaredy-cat, do not do it. You will be attacked by a clown, a killer, or possibly even a killer-clown.   

Number two: If a member of your family has recently died, and the other people who you live with are acting weird, get out of that house as fast as you can. These people might be getting ready to resurrect the dead. The death of that family member might have also been part of a cult’s big plan, so watch out. If your family starts to hold things that seem seance-like, call the police after getting out of the house.

Number three: There are some basic character traits needed for a chance of survival. First, you need to be a virgin. In almost every horror movie, the person who is the virgin survives. You also need to be a goody-two-shoes with perfect grades. You need to have two or three friends who do not share the above traits with you, which unfortunately means they will be killed.  

Number four: If you have a car, make sure it works perfectly. Too many times, people escape the villain, but they almost die because their car does not work. Keep your keys with you and keep your car locked.

Number five: Do not separate from the rest of the people you are with, no matter what happens. When you split up, one of you will be killed while the other one comes into the room a minute too late. Don’t have them behind you or in front of you, they need to be on the side of you.

Okay, now you know how to survive the basic horror movie. This does not cover every horror movie, but it covers a good chunk of the horror movies that do exist. So please- be safe, have fun, and have a happy Halloween.

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