Vinyl say: ‘Night Rocker’

Preceding works of genius such as “David Hasselhoff Sings America,” “Night Rocker” is the debut album by American actor and lifeguard David Hasselhoff.

Usually at this point I would start describing the album cover, but this record is a real exception to all the rules. The cover defies all convention by being as low definition and muddy as possible. For this review, I listened to the 2014 remaster.

I have no idea what the demand for this album could possibly have been 29 years after it came out, but it exists. The cover was updated for the new release by scribbling “2014” on the cover in what I can only assume was a favor done by a 12 year old with a free trial of Photoshop.

What you might recognize off the bat is that this is the most revolutionary album of all time. By making such an absurdly generic album, I can only assume Hasselhoff was making some kind of deeply inflammatory comment towards the music industry. Every lyric could have been written by a machine built to make Knight Rider references.

The opening track knocks it out of the park with such genius couplets as “I am the night rocker/I’m gonna rock you all night long.” After a quick dynamite sax solo we move into our first duet with Catherine Hickland, Hasselhoff’s then-wife. There are actually three of these peppering the record, and each one is more dated and overblown than the last.

In true 80’s fashion, every drum hit is soaked in reverb and every track has the piano/guitar classic rock-ballad combo. By the time we get to the middle of the album, it becomes apparent what we’re listening to is more akin to a teenage Meatloaf demo than a “Knight Rider” companion piece.

I can’t recommend this album any less. What may seem like an absurd so-bad-its-good romp in the beginning quickly devolves into a series of poorly-orchestrated over-sung messes.