Satire: College applications harder than expected

As college application season comes to a close, Neville Dulley reflects on the hardships he endured during the month of October.

“Everything was a blur. It’s almost like my hands have lost all sensation. The mouse and the keyboard…” He paused for a second and collected his thoughts. “They’re surprisingly tough to use,” he stated gloomily.

Dulley is just one of many high school seniors who has high hopes for his future.

“I submitted an application to Harvard just last week. I’m hoping to get accepted, but I only have a 2.3 GPA.”

Dulley has taken the Scholastic Assessment Test (SAT) six times and has only improved by 20 points since his first test; under no circumstance has Dulley bothered to study for the SAT, yet he is confident that his score will increase by more than 300 points on the seventh test. Some have described the application process as the most rigorous and painful trial they have faced in their life.

Seniors have described the application process as the most rigorous and painful trial they have faced in their life. They often find solace in venting their troubles on social media, to friends and counselors, and even their pets.

“People need to know this is not okay,” said school counselor William Davis. “The application process is absolutely horrible. It destroys their motivation. This, coupled with normal coursework, is a recipe for disaster.”

“There’s little boxes you have to check, and things like street addresses that students actively have to seek out,” he elaborates.

Senior Joshua Nyguen stated, “I really thought that my zip code was the number on my jacket. It’s insane. Why should we have to know this stuff?”

To apply, Davis explains, students must click the bright blue “BEGIN APPLICATION” link on various college websites. He claims that a tremendous number of students miss the button due to its obscurity.

Those who have completed their college applications often return from the experience toughened and sometimes traumatized from the experience.

Luckily for the seniors, college app season concludes on November 31st.