So you have a crush on someone. I know what it’s like. It’s okay, I won’t ask who. I’ve had a couple of my own. But you don’t know how to go about expressing your feelings for them. So I’ve taken it upon myself to help you get your crush to fall madly in love with you.
Okay, so if you’ve never uttered a single word to them, then you should probably get to know what they like. When cyber-stalking their social media, spam them all at once so you get noticed, but don’t like any of their posts older than 0.2 seconds because that makes you seem desperate. Every single time you see them, grin those pearly tic tac teeth of yours and then upgrade to waving them down in the hallway, so you’ll be absolutely swoon-worthy.
After you’ve waved them down for the hundredth time, I have no doubt they will forget your pearly tic tac teeth. Ask what flowers they like, and make sure you’re paying attention every other sentence, instead of thinking up a witty reply. I know they may leave you starstruck, but as you’re talking, try not to trip in front of them.
It happens more often than you think. But if you do happen to fall on your face, just say, “I think I’m falling for you.”
At this point, you know where they are most of the time, especially if they’re posting their geotags on Snapchat 24/7. When you run into them in the C building hallway, don’t give the impression that you timed it down to the millisecond, but act casual, you can even pretend you didn’t see them, to really sell your point. Also, text them at least thirty times an hour so they don’t completely forget about your existence.
They weren’t under that palm tree before school. They weren’t eating lunch under the covered eating area like they do every day. They didn’t show up to any of their classes and you didn’t see them in the C building hallway like every other day in the school year.
Since they missed class today, make sure your notes are nice, so you have a valid excuse to talk to them tomorrow. Once you go home, type them up and use a really fancy font, like Comic Sans fancy. They’ll be touched by the gesture. I suggest you know their entire schedule, but the period I suggest you know the best is sixth. I’ll tell you why. If you make it to their sixth period classroom quick enough, like 2:23 p.m., then you can hog all their attention until they call you by your cute nicknames like “stalker” and “get away weirdo!”
Okay, so complimenting them may be a bit tricky. If your crush asks you, “Do I look fat?” don’t reply with, “Not to me.” Instead say, “Kind of. Try sucking in your stomach.” Honesty is the best trait you can find in a soulmate. You’ll have to learn how to lie to spare their feelings though, like telling them their hair smells nice when it doesn’t.
Even when they’ve tried a new shampoo that reminds you of warm ketchup rather than freshly cut grass. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like the smell of freshly cut grass. But you absolutely, absolutely can’t tell them of the school food broccoli wedged between their teeth and spare them the pain of walking like that all day.
Now of course, all this time you’ve been playing hard to get, but not to the point they can’t actually get you, but it’s time to confess your feelings or else you’ll get friend-zoned forever. Slip a cheesy love note between the crack of their beige locker. Make sure it’s store bought and cliché, because that’s tacky, yet charming. Bonus points if there’s a stuffed bear with glitter who sings when you open it.
Your note can’t be original, in case that’s not what what they’re into, which is why you don’t sign it. When they come around to open their locker, stand a couple lockers down from theirs. Wait for their expression, because this determines everything. If they seem hideously disturbed, walk it off. It’s okay. There’s like, two people left on campus who don’t have a restraining order on you. But if all goes well and their cheeks are painted a nice shade of red, you walk up to them and tell them just how much you love them. Because just maybe, you’ve gotten your crush to fall in love with you.
(Disclaimer: The article shouldn’t be considered true and is simply a work of fiction only written to poke fun at having a crush, only meant for entertainment purposes.)