I get it. You can’t help it. Jealousy is ingrained in all of us. Resisting resentment is like telling someone not to tell an important secret that harbors in their head all day. For many people, there will come a time where something happens that causes them to feel inexplicably jealous of another person.
For me, it’s failing my drivers test the first time, and then seeing people four months younger than me pass theirs. Dramatic? Yes. But I would get sick to my stomach every time I saw a post about someone getting their license. This ill will is unintentional; if I could have, I would be happy for my friends. But instead, I feel resentment when I get off the bus and see my future car covered in snow.
Even if I’m ashamed of it, jealousy nags me. It’s a situation that further proves the point that “the things that you tell yourself will often drive how you feel.” It is our own insecurities that bring out the worst in us. But there are still ways to cope.
Whenever I see someone more successful than me at something I do, I think about everything else I have going for me; and I remind myself, I start here. There is no use giving up on something just because you’ve wasted time trying to accomplish it. Some people don’t make it this far. They don’t have the privilege of a future; you do, because you’re alive in the present and ever so capable. The more time you spend dwelling on the accolades of people you may or may not know, the less time you can devote to what you care about.
Something that has worked for me? If they share your passion, make them your motivation. The goal is not to supersede them, but to observe what qualities of theirs help them to succeed. Behind every tech mogul, bestselling author, or all-star player, there is a natural passion and work ethic to match. The best thing, and perhaps the first thing, you should do when you catch yourself feeling jealous of someone is grab a pencil and a piece of paper. Carefully review this person; what is it about them that makes you feel suddenly insecure? Jot notes down. What can be done, do. What can’t be done, separate into a different list.
Let yourself feel your jealousy, and then use it to change your own perception of yourself. But envy, like many other emotions, is complex, and although we feel this kind the most often, there is another kind we must dissect. The jealousy that hurts friendships.
The psychological phenomenon, the self evaluation theory, holds that we judge ourselves more harshly when we compare ourselves to people close to us who excel than people we don’t know. If you see Simone Biles on TV, sure, you might wish you could be up there alongside her, but it is a whole different story when you see your best friend climbing that ladder without you. Sometimes you might be jealous of them because they start to spend more time with someone else, and that knowledge gives you doubts about your value as a friend.
When I was younger, I was constantly aware of awkwardness. To me, if I wasn’t entertaining a classmate, I was boring them. That was driven by my instinct to belong and connect in a social setting, something I couldn’t risk being threatened for fear of emotional pain.
I thought I had to make them laugh, and that belief made me dependent on my humor to keep friends. It also made me one-sided, at least in front of them, and it left other parts of my identity hidden. My grandmother advised me one time that I should always be proud of the people I love for accomplishing remarkable things. She had 8 brothers and sisters, and explained that anything good that happened to them rubbed off on her.
My grandmother is the “applauding envy” type, always has been, and that has made her one of the most positive people I know .
