Sometimes it seems like we are a culture addicted to happiness. Social media news feeds are filled with #GoodVibesOnly tweets, self-help books brainwash us to the power of limitless optimism, and good friends teach us to “just think positive!” when life isn’t going so well. What if, rather than keeping us happy, this cultural mandate of optimism is preventing us from being happy?
I mean toxic positivity — the assumption we can only be positive in every situation and cut off all else. On paper it sounds wonderful, even therapeutic-sounding. However, the suppression of bad feelings can cause a rebound.
It was discovered in a 2018 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology study that individuals who embraced their negative emotions had lower depression and anxiety levels than individuals who suppressed or denied them. Suppression of negative emotions was associated with reduced long-term emotional resilience in a 2017 NIH study.
The problem isn’t that we’re getting too scared — it’s that other feelings are being de-legitimized. When you say to someone who’s in pain or hurt, “just be thankful for what you have!” you’re hearing it as the message that your pain is not valid.
Psychologist and author Susan David writes in her newsletter that emotional well-being is a side effect of accepting all of the feelings, not only the good ones. Social media sites such as Instagram and TikTok engage in toxic positivity by encouraging the airbrushed highlight reel of life.
In a 2021 NIH study, researchers found that binge-watching “positive” content leaves the viewer worse-off since they compare their very real issues to other individuals’ seemingly perfect lives.
I’ve seen it myself. A sophomore at Washington Connections Academy who requested to be anonymous once told me, “I feel guilty feeling sad because everyone on the internet is so happy.” That guilt only set her further into isolation.
Researcher Brené Brown states it more eloquently: “We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
Optimism is beautiful, of course — science attaches it to increased physical well-being and durability. But toxic positivity isn’t. The first permit struggle; the second closes doors to struggle. As a teaching example, it can be over-loading when telling a patient with cancer “be positive,” as it represses fear by suggesting restraint on something that should give way.
In a 2022 International Journal of Behavioral Medicine article, researchers put cancer patients in a good mood and found they had higher levels of impairment and limited engagement in life after treatment. Sometimes the nicest thing we can tell someone is, “This really sucks, and I’m here for you.”
What do you do instead? Practice emotional validation – Instead of disqualifying someone else’s pain, try: “That sounds really tough. How can I help you?” In other situations, you can practice “both-and” thinking – you can love your job and still be outraged about a horrible day. Emotions are not mutually exclusive.
Forcing false happiness isn’t liberating us — it’s deteriorating us. By eschewing the #PositiveVibesOnly illusion, we’re making it easier to live authentic connection and healing. And as psychologist Carl Rogers masterfully explained long ago, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Let’s not sweep aside pain in the guise of being optimistic. At times the most kind thing we can do is to say, “Me too.”
