Among crumpled worksheets, dead red pens, and stubby number two pencils, another sure find in math and reading centers is an army of sleep-deprived, overachieving Asian kids.
From Chirag in “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” to the multitude of Chinese kids willing to sacrifice themselves for honor in “Family Guy”, the stereotypes of overworked Asians are everywhere and honestly, frequently accurate. The strict standards pushed upon children by immigrant parents have formed a group of model minorities who are constantly striving for perfection. While this may not sound like a terrible thing, their mindset of avoiding all weakness may also stem into long-term consequences including mental illnesses and relationship breakage. This forces the question: are tiger parents willing to risk their bond to have the perfect child?
A tiger parent is a strict parent who pushes children to excel academically at all costs. According to Choosing Therapy, tiger parents highly emphasize discipline, academic rigor, and success. Asians, especially, have these stripes. It is important to avoid making sweeping generalizations about any ethnic group, as individual parenting styles vary widely. However, some cultural factors often associated with the emphasis on education and discipline in Asian families may include historical experiences, such as the value placed on academic achievement for socio-economic mobility, and cultural norms that prioritize familial success and honor.
Irene Kim, a Korean high schooler in Colorado Springs in an interview explained that her parent’s life dream is for her to go into an Ivy League school and get a job in STEM despite her personally not wishing to go into the field. She wanted to become an artist, but her parents thought that that was not a fitting occupation. While parents should hold dreams for their children, they should also account for and match with their children’s dreams as well. What makes a parent “tiger”, is the mindset of doing literally whatever it takes to achieve the dream.
Today, Kim’s pastel blue bedroom is lined with ribbons and shimmering medals from her accolades in speech and debate, and STEM competitions. While her gleaming trophy case is full, her self-fulfillment is not. She admitted that her unrealistic expectations piled on her and she became immune.
“I was no longer proud of my accomplishments and achievements as my parents saw that it was a given I managed to accomplish them,” Kim said, “My passions are no longer what fill me but are what instead kill me.”
With all these burdens forced upon her, Kim finds herself feeling beaten-up, up but afraid to tell her parents, in fear of rejection. She understands that her immigrant parents did not have the luxury to consider their mental health because of their obstacles. As a result, she keeps her emotions and burn-out bottled deep inside. Kim noted that this type of parenting and lack of communication creates “weak and toxic bonds”. Tiger parenting can often lead to strained relationships between parents and children due to increased pressure, limited emotional expression, and a potential lack of open communication and understanding. VeryWellMind wrote that this parenting creates a lack of honesty and a secretive atmosphere.
Kim is only one of many to experience this. Amir Borrogo also brought up the stigma and unwillingness to talk about mental health. He explained in his interview that his Filipino family is ignorant of his mental health as it is not talked about.
“It’s a taboo topic,” Borrogo said, “It can negatively affect a child’s upbringing and personality.”
Similar to Kim, he also said that immigrant parents may find their children’s struggles to be small. He stated that if an Asian complains about feeling depressed or stressed, they will be looked down upon and considered “weak”. First-generation immigrants have endured many struggles to come to the United States. Some were refugees, others were in financial crises or starving. Issues such as mental health seem minor and almost ridiculous to them.
Looking to the future, it does not seem like this is going to end anytime soon. Borrogo said, “If things [mindsets] don’t change, then nothing will.”
Since this mindset has been so engraved into Asians, it is not going to be a quick or easy fix and will require both cultural and historical sensitivity.
While this tiger-parenting mindset and stigma around mental health has been around for generations and will likely continue to be very common, some parents have also been becoming more progressive. Zhongli Fan, a first-generation immigrant from Mainland China, stated that her one hope for her children is for them to be “happy, honest, and do what they love.” Fan avoids strict tiger parenting to ensure a healthy bond between her and her two daughters. The three often discuss the importance of honesty and other values to learn how to be a good human.
Recently, the United States has been paying more attention to mental wellness, from mental health talks to global days of play. The American Psychological Association stated that more Americans are becoming accepting of mental health. This has impacted numerous Asian-American households in numerous ways. First, more teens have felt safer to speak out about their challenges. Kim said that in light of recent mental health awareness, her family has also become more lenient and given her rest days to recollect herself before going hard at work again. Borrogo agreed with this statement, saying that the plethora of mental health talks had increased communication in his family, even if it was only by a little.
While currently the U.S.’s learning centers are still flooded with exhausted kids and perfection-hungry parents, only time will tell if these parents will ever finally lose their stripes
